The New Eragon
by Zenxxa
Summary: A friend and I got bored while watching the poorly made Eragon movie. This is the result. This is made purely out of boredom. We have nothing against the Inheritance Cycle. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS RATED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! *UPDATED*


The New Eragon

Once upon a time, their lived a boy named Shitegon. He was a terrible little boy. He was a pyromaniac. It was very unfortunate.  
He lived on a small piece of land in a faraway place called Shittyland.

One night while hunting little Shit-lins for food he stumbled across a large pill shaped thingy. It was Shit Blue, which is a very rare colour. He decided that it would be best if he picked up this object. He placed it in his pants in a very inappropriate way and ran home as quickly as he could.  
When he got home the pill thing suddenly hatched! It turned out to be a Shitdragon. These rare creatures were thought to be extinct all through Shittyland! The boy of course thought it best to rub himself against the creature, as a sign of friendship (Of Course).  
But before Shitegon even considered doing anything else with the Shitdragon he first had to experience something VERY painful.

He rushed down to the fields and passionately kissed his brother/cousin/homosexual lover. And after his B/C/HL let him out of their tender embrace, his B/C/HL said, "I'm so sorry my dear. I have to leave you and live somewhere far, far away so I don't have to do any manual labour for the army/navy/evil thingy of the evil King Dude a.k.a Gasafuckix. I really do love you, if only you were better in bed I might want to take you with me. But since you aren't I am going to leave you, so I can 'do' beavers and ducks."

Shitegon was very angry at this so he let B/C/HL leave and then he set all the bedsheets they had slept together in on a blazing fire. Then he went to sleep and had a dream about a teenage boy with peroxide white hair and a firm body that was covered in muscle. He woke up in a puddle of a foreign substance.

Shitegon became very depressed, but then he got happy again because he realized he had a rare Shitdragon living in his tiny tiki hut! He fed the Shitdragon and then he ran off to have a drink with some of his friends/one night stands at a local pub. There he met a drifter named Shittium. Shittium told him a story about a long time ago about Shitdragons and their Shitriders. After Shittium finished his tale, the two made love again and again in a local inn. Though Shittium was at least 50 years older than him. And due to his age he dropped dead in the middle of their pleasure. Then he magically and conveniently came back from the dead.

After this amazzzzzzing experience Shitegon returned to his tiki hut where he found his Shitdragon. Who had amazzzzzzingly, turned into a full grown Shitdragon! The Shitdragon started talking to Shitegon through his thoughts. She called herself Shithera. She said, "I have waited 50-shitillion years to communicate with you my dear Shitegon. Because YOU are my Rider. And no that does not mean we will be making little shit-babies any time soon. It means that you are my Shitrider and we must save Shittyland from terror."

Shitegon couldn't believe that he was a Shitrider! He rushed home in hopes of telling his father/uncle/lesbian lover about this whole wet 'n' wild experience. He came home to find his uncle DEAD...dun dun dun... he was very, very, very angry at Shithera. He thought this was all her fault. However, he realized that the evil shit people that killed his U/F/LL would probably come back to kill him, since he was a....*drumroll*....SHITRIDER!!!! So he told Shithera he was very sorry. They forgave each other. They did other things very, very quickly. Then suddenly out of nowhere Shittium showed up! He and Shitegon lit his U/F/LL on fire (since Shittium was also, conveniently, a pyromaniac). Then they ran off into the woods and had a lovely conversation about Shitdragons and Gasafuckix. They also had some iced tea. They also talked about the rebel people, called the Fucktins. Shitegon is apparently their only hope of defeating Gasafuckix. So he is VERY important.

After this incredible conversation Shittium, Shitegon, and Shithera began their long and hard (get it?) journey to the Fucktin. They rode on the back of Shit-horses and went super-duper fast. Making a five shit-day journey in about 20 minutes. They bypassed all resistance and they even had some time to relax and have a REALLY good time (and I mean a REALLY good time).

Then they came to a magical town on the riverbank. There Shitegon met a beautiful young woman in a really tight and revealing leather outfit, that some of us might call inappropriate (because she had a rack the size of Montana and she was wearing a very tight top). She offered to do things for Shitegon, although, he refused since he bats for the other team. So instead of having a very X-rated time with this very endowed young woman she read his fortune. Which was, "You will experience a lot of hardship (get it?) and there will be a death around you very, very soon. So be careful my dear gay friend. Now please leave me so I can go back to what I was doing. And I mean DOING."

So Shitegon being the perfect gentleman that he his, he left the fortune teller/hookers store and was abruptly attacked by an evil ogre thingy. Of course, Shittium came to the rescue and before they ran off into the night together in a very homosexual way they kissed each other in a very dramatic manner. Then before they got killed by the evil ogre thingys they ran off into the night as previously mentioned.

Afterwards, in the woods Shitegon practiced his fancy Shit-elven language with his lover/teacher (Shittium). He learned the Shit-elven woods for many, many provocative things mostly because Shittium kept screaming them out while they were enjoying each others company. But most importantly he practiced "riding" Shittium and less importantly Shithera. He became very very good at this and so he and Shittium decided to continue their journey to the Fucktin. On the way they encountered some evil wormy people. And they had to kill them. In the process Shitegon managed to injure Shithera. After they had slain all the evil wormy people Shittium became very, very, very angry with his student/lover. They then shared a touchy little story about Shittium and the fact that he was a Shitrider before an evil pawn dude killed his Shitdragon with a fancy sword. After his Shitdragon was killed in a very gory and bloody way, he set out and killed the evil pawn dude and thrust the fancy sword into his heart. After this lovely story, Shittium and Shitegon had a jolly/gay time in the woods (similar to something you might hear about at your local public school, involving two young people by the names of Shitcian and Shitcin).

After that they went to sleep. As he slept Shitegon experienced a strange dream about a feminine looking teenage boy. He felt that he needed to save said boy from an evil hippie sorcerer guy with some seriously red hair. The boy that was in dire need of saving said his name was Shitios. (Which is latin for Aria which when man-lised is Arios). Shitegon felt that he had completely betrayed Shittium because he felt something verrrrrrrrrrry special when he saw Shitios. And he could not have this miraculous feeling with Shittium as the age difference kind of scared him. So he told Shittium that he needed to save this "Shitios" from the evil hippie dude. Shittium was not happy about this because he wanted Shitegon all to himself. (And to a lesser extent he also wanted Shitegon to reach the Fucktin). So Shitegon rode Shithera to the scary, menacing, evil fortress where Mr. Sexy a.k.a Shitios was being held prisoner. And Shitegon infiltrated said fortress without any trouble. Once he actually saved Shitios he was abruptly and conveniently attacked by Hippie man. This made for excellent plot development. Shitegon, of course, wanted to save Shitios from Hippie dude so he tried to fight him. He was greatly surpassed, however. Shitegon was in fact a very weak child and he was about to get killed by a floating spear that Hippie man had managed to make. He was saved by none other than Shittium. Shittium thrust himself in front of the spear thingy and he was severely injured to say the least. Then Hippie guy called all the evil helper people to attack Shitegon and Shitios and Shittium. This backfired because Shitegon was saved by a very, very disgusting young boy with creepy black hair who needed some very powerful dandruff shampoo. Just then very conveniently Shithera blasted through the cheap walls of the "fortress" and carried Shitegon, Shitios, and Shittium to safety. However, she was very, very slow because she couldn't handle carrying a .1 shit-percent of her total body weight. She needed to work out a little bit.

Once they got to safety they tried very, very hard to save Shittium from his terrible and very un-sexy wound. However, they failed miserably. So instead of healing him and being together forever as two very gay men, Shitegon shared a very touchy yet corny moment with Shittium. Shittium told Shitegon that he knew that he loved Shitios and he forgave him for not being completely in love with him, even though they frequently had special times together. (Now children please get married and be deeply in love before you do that sort of thing. Don't do it in the woods like SOME people in public schools. You will get poison ivy and you will not like it). Shitegon then apologized for his unfaithfulness and the two had a long and homosexual speech about needing each other. Shittium told Shitegon that he should continue his long and hard (get it?) journey to the Fucktin. Then Shittium abruptly keels over and is very dead. He does not conveniently come back to life. He rides on Shithera's back to a strange mountainous place and is frozen in a magical block of ice stuff. Because god-forbid we BURY people these days! Then Shitios and Shitegon and Shithera start crying and whatnot and mourn his death.

Then they merrily continue their travels. They find Dandruff kid in the woods as they travel to the Fucktin. Dandruff boy says he will lead them to the Fucktin. They agree because they completely and utterly trust Dandruff kid even though they know absolutely nothing about him and he could very well be an evil minion.

They arrive at the Fucktins and they talk to the leader, Mr. Ginormous Nose. They prepare for battle and they get into these very revealing and tight little suits of armor. They then go outside to battle.

There they were mercilessly attacked and completely outnumbered. Yet they all manage to stay alive... Shitegon rode Shithera and they attacked the evil ogre people with dramatic flame breath. This made Shitegon very, very happy because he is a pyromaniac.

After everybody is on fire, Shitegon and Shithera go up against Mr. Hippie Red Hair Dude. Who has made the evil/scary/creepy black dragon thingy that is very dusty looking. They of course win.

Shithera is severely injured in battle though. So, Shitegon saves her with his magical powers of fabulousness.

Shitegon then wakes up and rides Shithera in a very animalistic way and catches up to Shitios. Shitios says he must return to his people of Shitttttttttty. So he tells Shitegon that they can have romantic times later. Shitegon is very, very, very happy about this and so he agrees to it.

Meanwhile, Gasafuckix has released his dragon!! What will the future hold for Shitegon? What about his growing feelings for Dandruff boy? Will Shitios really love him forever?

Find out in Fuckest. Our next installment.


End file.
